Keep the Tofurkey, Bring on the Beer!
by TwilightofCraigslistContest
Summary: Bella Swan wants an escort for Thanksgiving weekend. Edward Cullen wants a second chance. Charlie wants to know where Renee hid the key to his gun safe. Happy Thanksgiving!


Contest: **Twilight of Craigslist One-Shot Contest (Part II)**

Title:** Keep the Tofurkey, Bring on the Beer!  
><strong>

Rating: **M**  
>Word Count: <strong>11491<strong>

Contest Ad Prompt:** http : / / www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net / s / 7428650 / 1 / Free_Tofurkey_and_Beer**

Summary:** Bella Swan wants an escort for Thanksgiving weekend. Edward Cullen wants a second chance. Charlie wants to know where Renee hid the key to his gun safe. Happy Thanksgiving!**

Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.  
><strong>

Warning:**** Rated M for foul language and holiday copulation****

**Don't forget to read the other entries! http: / www. fanfiction. net/u/ 3211840/ Also, follow us on twitter! twiCraigslist**

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><p><strong>BPOV<strong>

_Oh, dear God. What the fuck happened last night?_

This must be an operating table. There is bright light overhead, and my body feels like the Hulk used it as a punching bag. Something cold and wet is dragging across my face.

I am assaulted by a blast of potent dog breath. Definitely not a hospital. Thank goodness.

"Heidi," I croak. _Damn, my mouth tastes like ass._ "Come and get this damn dog!"

I love my roommate's Dachshund, Wolfgang, but right now I need to figure out what the hell happened last night and why I am waking up on the floor. I can't do that while he is trying to lick my nostrils clean.

"Good morning, sunshine," Heidi says to me as she scoops the dog from my chest.

I drag myself up from the floor. I still have on the same clothes from last night, and there is no puke on them. That's a good sign.

I brush my teeth three times before spending thirty minutes in a steaming shower. Thankfully, it's Saturday. I don't have anything to do until yoga class this afternoon. My iPhone pings three times while I am dressing.

"Stupid Facebook notifications," I mutter as I pull a white sweater over my head.

Memories from the bar last night are surfacing. Heidi and I met a couple of cute guys and let them buy us drinks for an hour. I'm pretty sure I molested the blond one on the dance floor. He was totally into it, and we were all walking to the parking lot when shit just derailed. In my drunken stupor, I asked him to come to Forks with me for Thanksgiving.

Nothing screams _psycho_ like meeting a guy and asking him to come home and meet your family before you even know his last name. Good one.

I blame Heidi. She made me tell her the story of Arnold and his creepy, cold hands again during dinner last night. Thanksgiving dinner ended with a bang last year. Dad had to drive Arnold to the emergency room. I jammed a fork into the man's thigh, and he was still trying to grope me in the hospital waiting room.

Pervert. Finally, Charlie sat between us, ending his advances.

It's Heidi's favorite story. She gets off on my humiliation.

I reach for my phone and bring up my email account. There are over fifty messages in my inbox. A very clear memory of Heidi laughing over her laptop assaults me.

_She didn't._

We were joking about posting a Craigslist ad for a bodyguard. At least, I thought we were joking.

The reply email address is bizarre, so I open it.

_From: OTR_BigRig_85(at)gmail(dot)com_  
><em>I'm a professional truck driver and it just so happens I'll be in your neck of the woods during the requested dates. I have a BIG RIG and I'm always in it for the LONG HAUL.<em>

"Heidi?" I call frantically. "Why is some trucker emailing me about his big rig?"

"Oh, my God," she says from the kitchen.

I find her hunched over the laptop.

"What is it?" I have to ask because she's blocking my view of the screen.

"Don't be mad, okay?" She still won't let me see it.

"Why would I be mad?"

She moves and gestures to the open Craigslist ad on the screen. I lean in closer, eyes widening as my eyes skim over the page. It's all there in black and white.

**Free Tofurkey and Beer!**

**Seeking Bodyguard/Fake Boyfriend (Thanksgiving Weekend Only) (Forks, WA area)**  
><strong>Date: 2011-10-01, 1:47AM PDT<strong>  
><strong>Reply to: handsofftheswan (at) craigslist (dot) org<strong>

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><p><strong>I'm looking for a brave guy to protect me from my mother's massage therapist during Thanksgiving break. Last year, he tried to give me an under the table "massage" until I stabbed him with my fork.<strong>

**Eligible Candidates:**  
><strong>-Must be available Wednesday evening (1123) - Sunday (11/27)**  
><strong>-Must not have a wife, girlfriend, fuck buddy or anyone else that would want to kick my ass for taking you away for the weekend. This is not negotiable.<strong>  
><strong>-Must endure a four hour drive to Forks.<strong>  
><strong>-Should be accustomed to firearms. My dad is the local police chief.<strong>  
><strong>-Should NOT have any type of sage allergy. The dressing will be loaded with sage and my mother will likely smudge you with sage before allowing you to enter the house.<strong>  
><strong>-Must be willing to let my mother, aka the Reiki Master, handle your chakras.<strong>  
><strong>-Must like kids or at least be willing to pretend. My sister-in-law practices natural family planning. Poorly.<strong>  
><strong>-Must act as a shield between me and the pervert. All weekend. Seriously…I do not want that creep to ever touch me again.<strong>  
><strong>-May be required to engage in light physical contact and feign affection in front of my family and the pervert. Sex is not required, but may occur if Gran makes after dinner margaritas this year. (Premature ejaculators can ignore the sex part)<strong>  
><strong>-Will receive a delicious home cooked Thanksgiving dinner which includes a choice of Tofurkey or real Turkey.<strong>  
><strong>-Must love beer. My dad will have cases of Vitamin R available for your consumption. He'll also expect you to watch sports with him.<strong>  
><strong>Serious inquiries only.<strong>  
><strong>No druggies. (Just in case you missed the part about my dad being a cop)<strong>  
><strong>No geezers. (Ages 23-28 only, please!)<strong>  
><strong>I look forward to your reply.<strong>

_I remember this! Sort of._

There are definitely some things that Heidi threw in. Like the premature ejaculator part. There are some details you should never, ever share with your roommate, no matter how cool she might be. The last guy I had sex with was only good for six strokes. On a good day.

She also added the word "boyfriend." I guess it makes sense, though. I wouldn't have any other reason to take a guy home to Forks for Thanksgiving. Not that I plan on taking anyone who would actually answer this ad.

She could have shortened it to: Come home with me for Thanksgiving, deal with my batshit crazy family, keep a weirdo from touching me, and I'll ply you with free beer and food. Oh, and sex if my grandmother gets me drunk.

She's a pimp. Heidi is a pimp in disguise.

I'm almost late for yoga because Heidi and I spend the entire day reading the replies to our drunken madness. There are a ton of desperate, horny men looking for a hot Thanksgiving romp. Even the threat of Charlie's guns and badge doesn't scare them away.

We laugh all day and, while my initial reaction was embarrassment, now the whole thing is just funny. We decide to leave the ad up for a week or two. It will be free entertainment.

**EPOV**

"You're lucky I'm an alcoholic vegetarian," Tanya says as she lowers herself into the seat across from mine.

"Really?" I snort. "How so?"

Tanya has been my best friend since the second week of our freshman year at UW. She and her partner, Irina, took me under their wings and turned me into a man. Well, not like that, but they did teach me how to do keg stands, how to funnel beer, and how to hit on girls. They have absolutely been the secret of my success for the last five years.

She leans forward, staring directly into my eyes. "I found her, Edward."

My heart stutters a little in my chest because I'm pretty sure Tanya just said she found the girl I've been searching for since the night I ditched her at Mexican restaurant during our first and, as it turns out, only date. That was six months ago.

_The first time I saw her was Valentine's Day. She came into the deli closest to the school where I was student teaching at the time. I stood behind her and tried not to sniff her as I listened to her order a turkey on wheat with lowfat mayo._

_I thanked every god I could think of when she slid off her coat. Her ass looked fantastic in a pair of dark skinny jeans._

_I tried to catch her eye as she left the counter, but she was busy scowling at something on her phone. I placed my own order, and then sat in the booth across from hers._

_"Let me give you a clue, Felix. It takes way more than six strokes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop," she said into her phone. Her expression changed from mildly irritated to hostile. "I didn't even have time to, asshole. Do yourself a favor. Lose my number."_

_I was in love._

_I figured out quickly that she only ate at the deli on Mondays and Wednesdays. It took sixteen days for her to notice me. She smiled and said "Thank you" when I held the door for her. Another nineteen days passed, and I finally worked up the courage to introduce myself._

_Her name was Bella, and she was the most beautiful, foul-mouthed angel I had ever laid eyes on._

_After a couple of weeks of playful flirting and innocent touching, I asked her out. She accepted and agreed to meet me at Memo's Mexican Restaurant the following Friday evening._

_She was on time and gorgeous the night of our date. There seemed to be a real, natural chemistry between the two of us as we walked to the table. Bella ordered a margarita and steak fajitas. I ordered a two for one of Budweiser on tap and a shrimp chimichanga._

**_BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE._**

_I knew something was wrong after only a few bites. My mouth felt funny. I could actually feel my lips when they started to swell. Then the itching started._

_I excused myself, cutting Bella off mid-sentence. I did a funky run-walk-shuffle straight to the men's room. One look in the mirror confirmed it. There were red splotches all over my face, and my lips could've taken on Angelina Jolie's and won._

_I couldn't let Bella see me like that. I looked like some kind of freakazoid monster, and she was the woman of my dreams. I stopped on my way out and hand scrawled an apology with a brief explanation that there was a medical emergency. I wrote my number at the bottom and gave the hostess sixty bucks and the note to give to Bella._

I haven't seen her since.

"Edward? Hello?" Tanya is snapping her fingers in my face.

Right. Tanya thinks she may have found her.

"Did you really find her?" I ask curiously. I've done everything possible to find her for the last six months but she isn't listed. Anywhere. I even searched Facebook a few times.

Tanya slides a white sheet of paper across the table. It's a Craigslist ad. The reply email catches my attention immediately, but "swan" doesn't necessarily mean my Swan. Then I see it, everything I've been looking for is right in front of me. Snippets from our dinner conversation (pre-shrimp bomb) fall into place.

_I'm from a tiny little town called Forks._

_My dad is a cop. Well, he's THE cop, really._

By the time I reach the part about the premature ejaculators, I know that this is she. This is my Bella.

"Tanya, I am so fucking thankful that you are an alcoholic vegetarian. Seriously, this is Bella. I can feel it."

"So, what are you going to do?" She eyes me curiously over the rim of her coffee cup.

"I'm going to convince her that I'm her guy. I like kids, and I can deal with wacky, so her family won't be an issue. She can bet I'll keep Mr. Massagy off of her."

**BPOV**

"Read this one," Heidi insists. It's been three weeks, and this shit never gets old.

_Dear handsoff,_  
><em>It would be my pleasure to accompany you home for Thanksgiving. I can't afford a plane ticket east this year, so your offer sounds fantastic. I will happily share gas and other expenses for the drive to Forks and back. I'll even drive, if you prefer. I like kids. I'm actually studying to be a teacher. If your brother's kids like Spongebob, I'm in. I don't know what chakras are, but if you're okay with your mom handling mine, then I guess I'm okay with it too. My dad took me to hunter safety courses as a child, so I know enough about guns to hopefully not embarrass you. I prefer real turkey. In all honesty, I have no idea what Tofurkey is. Wait. I Googled it. Yeah, I'll take real turkey. I like sports, and I love beer, so your dad and I should get along fine. Finally, you have my word…I won't let anyone, including myself, touch you inappropriately, regardless of Gran's mad margarita skills.<em>  
><em>Tony<em>

That's not funny at all. It's kind of sweet and a little bit dorky. Cute.

"I like this guy," Heidi says, nodding her head.

"No way! This whole thing is joke, Heidi. A joke. It isn't safe to meet people over the internet. What would I tell Charlie? I don't think 'Hey, Dad, I picked up a guy on Craigslist and brought him home for dinner' will go over very well."

"You'll tell Charlie and Renee that he is your boyfriend. This Tony guy is obviously willing to play the part, or he wouldn't have replied. Think about it, Bella. Arnold will keep his hands to himself, and your mom will be happy you have a boyfriend. You won't have to deal with her trying to set you up with random members of the Seattle Psychic Network anymore."

She's right. Heidi is an evil genius pimp.

We compose a response requesting more personal information. I want to know his age, height, hair color, living arrangements and what type of car he drives so I can compare the gas mileage with mine. Heidi wants to know his shoe size.

It takes him six long hours to reply.

His name is Tony Edwards. He is 6'3" and 23 years old. He has dark hair. He works at a book store close to campus while he works on his masters. He lives in an apartment. He has a roommate, but he rarely sees the guy because they work different shifts. He drives a silver Volvo C30 and wears a size 13. He has a shellfish allergy and a genuine curiosity about Reiki and chakras.

We email back and forth for a few days, and I can feel my resistance wearing thin. Thanksgiving is looming on the horizon. So, I make the first move and suggest meeting in person. Heidi and I devise a plan, and I invite him to meet me for coffee after work on Friday. There is no way I can just waltz into some coffee shop and meet up with a guy I found on Craigslist. That shit is just not safe. I grew up carrying my own bottled water to parties because of Charlie. I know exactly what kind of danger is lurking out there.

On Friday, Heidi enters the Starbucks before me, and I wait a few moments before following her inside. She is my undercover backup. If shit goes south, she has a phone and she knows jiu-jitsu.

I order a nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte with whipped cream. While I'm waiting for my order, my phone chimes. It's a new text from Heidi.

_Ask the barista for a can of whipped cream. Tall, dark, and handsome just arrived. He's standing behind you and staring at your ass. Told you those jeans look good._

I close the message and continue to face forward. Once I have my coffee in hand, I turn to make my way to a table.

Edward Cullen is standing two feet away from me.

I'm so shocked, I drop my latte. My ankle is covered in hot coffee, but all I can see is the beautiful asshole in front of me. Correction…the beautiful, rude, cheapskate, sexy asshole in front of me.

I try to brush past him. He steps directly into my path and won't budge.

"Just give me five minutes," he begs, shoving a white piece of paper into my hand.

I can't believe it. It is a printout of my Craigslist ad along with Tony's reply.

Edward is Tony. _Add big, fat fucking liar to the list._

"Oh, no," I say, backing away from him. The last thing I need is someone who will pull a Houdini and disappear before dessert.

"Bella, wait," he pleads. "There has to be a reason you answered me."

"Yeah, your reply was the only one out of three hundred and ninety two that didn't mention cock size, sexual prowess, or flat out beg for my cookie."

"You call it a cookie?"

I blush. Cookie is the codeword Heidi and I use for it when we're trying to stealthily talk sex in public.

"Don't you worry about what I call my girly bits, Edward Cullen. You stood me up in the middle of our only date and stiffed me with a forty dollar tab. You didn't even finish one of your two beers. Oh, and just for future reference, it would be polite to at least wait for your date to finish her sentence before you skip out on her."

I turn my back to him and walk out the door. I hear his footsteps on the pavement before I hear his voice.

"I left sixty dollars and a note with the hostess. She promised to give it to you."

"Oh?" I spin around to face him. If I could breathe fire, I would roast his ass where he stands. "So as long as you cover the bill, it's okay to bail on your date?" I make the meanest bitchface I can muster. "Thanks for the heads up, asshole."

Heidi has finally made it out of the coffee shop and joined us on the sidewalk. Some bodyguard.

"Bella, what the hell is going on? Is this Tony? Why are you yelling?"

"No, there is no Tony. Tony is Edward. Edward is the two for one beer asshole!" I pause for effect, enjoying the way her nostrils flare and that Edward looks like he might piss his pants. "Yeah. THAT guy. Apparently, we can now add psycho and cyber stalker to the list."

"You have a list?" Edward pipes up, looking a little hopeful.

_Oh, COME ON with this shit._

"Yes, a list of your finer attributes…rude, cheapskate, lying, creepy stalker. Shall I continue?"

Heidi chuckles. She's backing away, shaking her head.

"I'm just going to leave you two. Edward, good luck."

Then she disappears into the Friday night crowd with a tiny Miss America wave.

Heidi is an evil, traitorous, genius pimp.

"I got sick," Edward murmurs. I have two seconds to decide if I am going to stay and listen. I don't look at him because I want this to be an impartial decision. If I look at his beautiful, sexy self, I'm going to cave.

"I've loved shrimp my entire life. I've never had a reaction before. I cut you off because I could actually feel the hives starting to form. My lips were swelling, and I had to get to the hospital."

He sounds sincere, so I risk a glance. He looks honest enough, but he's fooled me before.

"Why didn't you let me help you? I could have driven you to the hospital." _If you're telling the truth._

His cheeks turn pink, and I swear so do the tips of his damn sexy ears.

"I didn't want you to see me like that," he mumbles.

"I just added _vain_ to your list, Edward."

He laughs. "Can't catch a break with you."

I smile._ Charming_ should definitely be on the list.

"How did you find that ad? It's kind of creepy, Edward…the whole posing as someone else?"

"If you let me buy you a cup of coffee, I'll answer all your questions." He looks like sin and part of me wants to run for the hills, but I can't. He has a great sense of humor and, if nothing else, we could be great friends. And, if he's serious about this whole Forks thing, I could still get Renee off my back.

Maybe a long weekend with my crazy ass family is EXACTLY what Edward deserves for making me think I'd been ditched.

**EPOV**

She still smells like coconut. It makes me want the beach, or more specifically, her in a bikini on the beach with that fantastic ass-

"Edward?" Bella gives me a meaningful look, and then gestures to the barista.

"I'll have a Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha." I order the froufrou coffee, and then wince as I realize how manly I must seem.

Bella tries to hide a smile and fails miserably.

She hesitates when our order is ready. She studies me for a moment before turning and taking a seat on a sofa. I wait. I want to sit down next to her, but I have a feeling this chick could hand me my balls on a platter without even blinking.

She pats the seat next to her. "Let's get this over with," she says, resigned.

_Not very encouraging, Bella._

"I saw you the first time on Valentine's Day." I'm going to roll with honesty. If I'm going to lose her, I don't want it to be because of a half-assed effort on my part.

"Creepy, Edward. You're supposed to be aiming for _less_ creepy."

_Why?_

_Why on Earth did I have to fall for such an exasperating woman?_

"I'm trying to be honest here. I was attracted to you, but you live in your own little world."

"My dad taught me to be…cautious when I was a kid. I think of everyone as a suspect. Now, stop stalling. How did you find me?"

"My friend, Tanya, found you. She's an alcoholic vegetarian. Oh, and she's also addicted to Craigslist. She trolls it nonstop. She buys stuff and sells stuff like a champ. Your ad caught her eye. She and her partner, Irina, helped me search for you so they knew your last name was Swan and a few…" _Shit. Please don't pick up on this_, "other things."

Her eyes narrow.

"You mentioned you were from Forks and said your dad was THE cop back home. The rest of it was surprising, but nothing I can't handle."

"_Presumptuous._ I'm adding it to the list," she says.

I close my eyes and rest my head against the back of the couch. "Are there any positive traits on this list?" When I open them, she doesn't look like she hates me anymore, which is good. But she doesn't seem all that impressed with me either.

"There may be one or two," she says. And then she blushes.

I'm still in the game. I don't want her to add _cocky_ or _arrogant_ to the list, so I don't fistpump or back flip like I want to. She is attracted to me on some level, or she would have kneed me in the sack and left me crying on the sidewalk.

I press on. "I was sure you wouldn't answer my reply if you had any idea. You made it pretty clear you didn't want to see me when you quit coming to the deli."

She nods. "I am sorry about the subterfuge, but it isn't a complete lie. My middle name is Anthony and my grandfather called me Tony when he was still alive."

She scoffs. I carry on before she can interrupt. "Look, I just wanted to apologize. I am very sorry for running out on you like that. I'm also sorry the hostess stole the money I intended to pay for your dinner. I didn't realize what happened or how things looked. I'd like a redo, if possible."

She looks troubled.

"I answered your response because it really would benefit me to take a guy home for Thanksgiving. You should know that up front. I'm not promising you anything. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business."

"I'll take that under advisement."

It isn't ideal, but I'll take whatever she'll give me at this point. I can win her over. I'm sure of it. There isn't any other option. I want this girl.

I don't want to overstep any boundaries, so I offer her my cell number as we exit the shop. "I meant what I said in my reply. I can't afford to go home to Chicago for Thanksgiving, so I really am free to go to Forks with you. You can call and let me know what you decide."

I panic as she takes my number and turns to leave. Everything inside me is screaming not to let her get away. If she decides not to call me, I won't see her again.

_The goal is to be less psycho._

She stops and glances at me over shoulder. "Goodbye, Edward."

And then she smiles.

I'm frozen in place, staring at her back until she rounds the corner and disappears from sight.

I spend all day Saturday waiting on a call or a text. I receive neither. My roommate, Emmett, forces me out of the apartment and into a bar. We blow off chicks repeatedly. I'm busy thinking about Bella's ass, and Emmett knows Rose will castrate him if he shows up at her place later reeking of cheap hooker perfume.

At least he isn't gloating. He and Rose warned me from the very beginning to be honest and dump the Tony persona. Hindsight is a mother fucker.

Sunday, I Skype with Mom and Dad. She offers four times to pay for a plane ticket to Chicago for Thanksgiving. They're already footing the bill for my Christmas ticket, which makes me feel like a total loser. I let her down gently by telling her if all goes well I will be with my dream woman on Thanksgiving.

Big mistake.

She fires five questions at me in a single breath. "What's her name? How old is she? How serious is it? How long have you been seeing her? Is she lovely? I bet she's lovely. Oh, Edward, this is fantastic! Maybe she can come home with you for Christmas…"

I could bang my head repeatedly against my desk if we were talking by phone instead of via video chat. I miss the good old days. I thank every god in heaven when my cell phone chimes with a new text. I glance down without even looking at the phone.

"Sorry, Mom. That's Em. He's locked his keys in his Jeep again. Gotta go," I lie. Now is not the time for these sorts of questions.

I don't recognize the number, but the message is loud and clear.

_Memo's at 6:30 Friday. I'm bringing Heidi. I want to meet Tanya. An alcoholic, vegetarian, Craigslist addict, lesbian sounds too good to be true._

I swallow. She's giving me a shot. Her text is light, playful even. My thumb is hovering over the keypad, and I'm just about to type a response when it hits me.

This is a test.

I don't want to answer prematurely; that is the last trait I want Bella to add to my fucked-up list. I call Tanya and beg her to drop whatever plans she and Irina have for Friday night. She laughs as I explain why.

It's going to cost me. Tanya suggests bathroom clean-up duty at their apartment after their next party. I have to wonder for a moment if Bella is worth scrubbing two toilets the morning after Vomitpalooza. She is. I know it, and Tanya knows it. I concede.

"This is going to be fun," she says ecstatically. "Ask her to bring some of the replies to her ad. I'm sure there were some doozies!"

I'm fairly certain I'm already texting Bella before Tanya even hangs up.

_Tanya is in. She and Irina are a package deal. Is that okay?_

She replies quickly.

_Sure. You're paying._

Of course I am. I try not to be offended. This is all part of the test, I'm sure.

_Absolutely. Um…Tanya thinks it would be interesting to read some of the responses you received for the ad..._

She doesn't answer right away. I'm starting to get a little nervous. She did call me _creepy_. Or was it _stalker_? Jesus, I think maybe it was both. Maybe she thinks I want to creep on her emails now…

_Sorry. Had to pee. The responses have definitely been interesting. Heidi and I have been keeping a running list of the best ones. I'll bring it on Friday. See you then. Don't order the shrimp chimi, I hear it's a killer._

Now is the time to break out the fistpumps. I have a date with Bella.

Sort of.

**BPOV**

_This is not a date._  
><em>This is not a date.<em>  
><em>This is not a date.<em>

I repeat it over and over in my head as I step into Memo's Friday night. I'm working on convincing myself that it won't matter if he no-shows or bails tonight. We're fifteen minutes late, and I didn't see a Volvo in the parking lot.

This is Heidi's fault. She claims the best way to determine a man's potential is observing him with the women in his life. Since Edward's mother is in Chicago, Heidi wants to watch him interact with Tanya and Irina. Having a Psych major roommate sucks. Everything is a goddamned experiment to her.

I just want to make sure Tanya is real, because Edward really is way too pretty to be a creeper. I glance around nervously. Heidi elbows me lightly, pointing in the opposite direction.

Edward is seated at a large round table in the back. The moment he sees me, his eyes light up and his lip curls into a wicked half-grin.

I lick my lips. If this plays out right, I can get Renee off my back, avoid the pervert, AND end my dry spell. There is no way a guy who looks this good and wears a size 13 could be a premature ejaculator. But first, I have to make sure he isn't a psycho stalker.

He stands when I reach the table, and he pulls out the chair next to his. Once Heidi and I are seated, he introduces us to Tanya and Irina. Heidi apologizes for our tardiness. She was in a study group this afternoon and lost track of the time.

"You should have seen poor Edward," Irina says, patting his arm. "He was checking his watch every thirty seconds."

She and Tanya laugh and tease him for a few minutes as Heidi and I order our drinks. The last time I ordered a margarita, things didn't end well for me. I choose sangria.

When the server disappears with our order, Tanya gives me the short version of finding my ad while searching for a free "Tofurkey Recipe Exchange" some coworker told her about. It was Forks that first caught her attention. She knew I was from Forks because I'd shared that much with Edward before he vamped on our date.

"Then when I read the part about your dad being a cop and saw "swan" in the return email address, I thought it would be a good idea to at least mention it to Edward. You know the rest," she says with a wave of her hand.

I smile because taking _psycho stalker_ off the list is a major relief.

"How can you not be on Facebook?" Irina asks. "Edward searched Facebook, MySpace, Twitter…he even tried to Google you."

"You Googled me?" I may have to put it back on the list. Dammit. But it is kind of sweet. In a creepy way. Being around Edward is a constant state of confusion.

"Thanks, Irina," he mutters. "You just gave her a reason to add some new assholistic trait to my damn list."

He looks like a kicked puppy with big, sad eyes and a pouty lip. If the shrimp story holds up, I'm taking this hot goofball home with me for Thanksgiving.

"It's okay," I assure him. "I am on Facebook."

"She gave herself a fake Facebook name to avoid her mother and the losers she went to high school with," Heidi informs them. "Do a search for Bobella Swansin."

"You have a fake Facebook name?" Edward asks, turning to face me fully.

Um... He really shouldn't have done that. Imagining him naked makes me forget both my damn names.

I am saved the embarrassment of failing to form a full sentence as the server returns to deliver our drinks and take our dinner orders. Edward visibly shudders as Heidi orders a shrimpchimichanga.

I know an opening when I see one. "So, did Edward tell you about the shrimp chimi incident?" I ask casually.

"Tell us about it?" Tanya exaggerates. "We had to pick him up from the hospital. They gave him a heavy dose of some antihistamine that knocked his ass out until the next day. I drove his car back to our place."

And, we have a winner.

Heidi is beaming, and I can tell she agrees. She digs through her purse for a moment before bringing out a folded stack of papers. She hands them to Tanya, whose eyes light with mischief.

"Did you bring all of them?" she asks.

"No," Heidi answers. "Just our favorites."

"Oh my God," Irina laughs.

"Which one?" I ask. I reacted the same way to several of the replies on those papers.

"The doctor!" She laughs even harder.

Tanya takes the paper from her and reads aloud, _"I'm in my last year of medical school and I'd love to give you a dose of my two-ball cure all."_

"Is he fucking serious?" Edward asks angrily.

"Oh, wait," I say, laying my hand on his arm. "It gets better."

Tanya continues, _"I'll bring Jose Cuervo and a healthy dose of petercillan for you. Call me, babe. Dr. Peter Whitlock."_ Irina is still trying to catch her breath.

**EPOV**

There is one from a lifeguard, boasting stamina and a hot bod. Another from an officer of the Seattle PD who has a handcuff/gun fetish. Bella downs what is left of her sangria after Tanya reads one from a truck driver. She orders another immediately.

Heidi reads one from some guy named Mike. Bella went to high school with him in Forks.

_"Well, well, if it isn't Bella Swan. How you doin?"_ Heidi comically mimics some character from that show they rerun on TBS all the time. _"I would love to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. This will be my first holiday as a born-again bachelor. Jess and I just couldn't pretend anymore. She took the kids, and I quit my job at the factory so I wouldn't have to pay her whoring ass any child support. I'm hanging at Mom and Dad's crib and working for cash at Dad's store."_

Heidi pauses to drink half of her daiquiri. "This guy is such an unbelievable asshole," she says.

I have to agree.

She continues, _"We need to hook up when you get into town Wednesday night. I could get us a room at the hotel. We could get to know each other like we always wanted to."_

Heidi points one finger at her ear and twirls it in a circle seconds before the food arrives, providing a much needed break from Bella's cyber-admirers.

I want to know why she answered me. More importantly, I want to know if she answered anyone else. The very idea of it has me stabbing the steak for my fajitas a little too roughly.

Bella glances at me and smiles.

"So, how many of them did you respond to?"

The entire table freezes. Tanya looks horrified, and Irina winces a little. I've said something bad. I should look at Bella to gauge her reaction, but I'm scared to.  
>It seemed like a harmless question.<p>

"Two," Bella says with a laugh. "I replied to Mike and told him if he mentions the ad to another living soul, I will tell Jessica and all of Forks that he offered me that tiny department store diamond before he gave it to her. I may have also mentioned telling her about his cash job if he opened his big mouth, but I am pretty sure I am going to tell her that part even if he manages to keep his trap shut."

Then she looks me right in the eye. "The other one was some guy who said his name was Tony."

Tanya and Irina are breathing again, and Bella is smiling, so I allow myself a moment to feel relieved.

_She picked me._

I stare at her. I can't help it. Bella Swan is sitting next to me laughing and talking with my best friends. I've imagined her in dozens of scenarios, most of which include some form of nudity, but this is so much better. Now, I really, really want this girl.

We linger in front of the restaurant after dinner. Heidi begs off to meet some friends from school at a nearby bar. Tanya and Irina have performed their good deed for the night, so they leave us as well.

"Do you need a ride?" Bella offers. Immediately, I think of her in reverse cowgirl, looking over her shoulder at me.

"Sure." I can come back tomorrow for my bike.

I follow her to a white Camry in the parking lot. She seems a little startled when I open her car door for her. I want to rewrite everything she thinks about me. Give her a new list. A good list.

When we arrive at my building, she parks next to the Volvo and cuts the engine. Then she surprises me by exiting the car. I follow quickly and meet her as she leans against the trunk.

"My family is nuts. Are you absolutely sure you want to go to Forks?" she asks dubiously.

"Positive." God's honest truth. I would follow her (and her fantastic ass) to the ends of the earth and back, battling small children, perverted massage therapists, and crazy relatives along the way.

"Okay," she says. She pushes away from the Camry and steps directly in front me. "We should probably practice. They're going to expect us to kiss…"

I pull her to me before she has a chance to change her mind, wrapping my left arm around her waist while using my right hand to tilt her chin back so I can look her in the eye.

"Not a problem."

Then, I lean in and knock the socks right off of Bella Swan. I kiss her top lip first before sucking gently on her bottom lip and nibbling it with my teeth. Her lips part as she grabs my shirt with both hands and cages herself between my body and her car. I lose track of whose tongue is where when she buries one hand in my hair and pulls. Hard.

We make out like a couple of horny teenagers until Bella's cell phone rings, interrupting us. She takes one look at the screen, hisses the word "Renee," and promptly ignores the call.

"If you kiss me like that in front of Charlie, he will shoot you," she whispers.  
>I convince her to come up for a while. Practice makes perfect.<p>

**BPOV**

Edward and I decide to leave Seattle Wednesday morning since neither of us have classes or work. He arrives ten minutes early and hands me a Starbucks cup before reaching for my suitcase.

Pumpkin Spice Latte. _Attentive._

I leave a quick note for Heidi and herd the dog into his kennel. Edward waits patiently as I double check all the locks. He arranges the luggage as I settle in the passenger seat. I'm glad he offered to drive. This is going to be a much more comfortable ride.

He ducks into his seat and leans across the console to kiss me. I've spent three of the last five nights in his bed, and he still manages to give me chill bumps with a simple kiss.

Heidi nearly died when I texted her Friday night to let her know I would be staying with Edward. I texted his address and license plate number, so they could find my body if necessary. She started drunk texting me about Edward's shoe size being totally worth the gamble. Then, Renee started texting me too. Something about a shift in my energy and a strange horoscope.

I did what any self-respecting girl with half a brain would do on the third date (counting Starbucks). I turned my phone off and let Edward Cullen seduce me.  
>And I am so glad I did.<p>

He grins. "You were thinking about being naked with me."

"So?"

Smug. It looks good on Edward Cullen. Everything looks good on Edward Cullen. And he looks beyond good in nothing at all.

He starts the car and we make small talk until we hit the 101. I take a deep breath and try to think of the best way to prepare him to meet my family. They can be a bit…overwhelming…at times.

I cover the important parts, "Dad likes guns and owns lots of them. Mom works at home as a palm reader, tarot reader, and Reiki Master. She even has a neon sign. Gran and Grandpa are normal. Well, they like to booze it up every now and then, but other than that, they are average grandparents.

"My brother, Jasper, is an antisocial park ranger. Alice, my sister-in-law, is a stay-at-home mom and part-time psychic with a latex allergy and an aversion to hormonal birth control. Mom tried to teach her about natural family planning after the twins, Jacob and Paul, were born eight years ago. She tried again two years later, after Eric was born. Alice finally admitted she has 'issues' with counting after Ty was born three years ago. Nine months ago, we all realized she also has trouble reading a basal thermometer."

"Jesus," he exhales. "Your brother has four kids?"

"More like four point five. Alice is due to pop out number five in a couple of weeks. She swears this one is a girl."

"She isn't very good at the 'psychic' thing, is she?"

I just laugh. "It's more of a random deal with Alice. She's kooky, but she is accurate."

"And the pervert?" He glances at me curiously.

"Arnold Stephens. Graduated with Jasper, got accepted into the pre-med program at some school in Arizona, changed his major and became a massage therapist. Broke his parents' hearts. Then, after graduation, he changed his name to Aro. Just Aro. Like he's Yanni or something. His parents take a cruise every year the week of Thanksgiving, so Renee invites him to dinner. She's a sucker for strays."

"History?"

"None!" I assure him. "Well, unless you count a few holiday gropes."

"Not this year," he says, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to be the only one groping you this year."

**EPOV**

Famous last words. There will be no groping in the Swan house.

Charlie Swan is an intimidating man. Emo lumberjack meets _Law and Order._ He mumbles a lot as Bella introduces us, begrudgingly shakes my hand, and then takes her luggage away from me so he can carry it himself. He throws his arm around her shoulder, leading her away as I scramble to get my own things out of the Volvo.

Renee Swan is surprisingly normal. She is wearing jeans, a brown sweater, and a pair of tone-up sneakers. She looks kind of like…my mom, certainly not the gypsy I'd envisioned. Her warm, friendly personality is a relief since her husband seems intent on killing me with silence.

Bella and Renee make sandwiches together as Chief Swan stares me down at the tiny kitchen table. I try not to squirm like a bitch, or confess to cheating on a spelling test in sixth grade. And, by the grace of God, I manage not to look at Bella's jean-clad ass even though I can see it hovering in my periphery.

After lunch, Charlie asks Bella to help him with some shopping. Bella seems hesitant to leave me with her mother, but I will gladly take my chances with Renee if it makes Charlie happy.

Of course, I don't realize the full implications of being alone with Renee until she closes the door behind them, claps her hands together and says, "Follow me."

_Oh, shit._

I comply. What choice do I have?

It was a trick. Divide and conquer. Renee was the evil one all along, and I fell right into her trap. She pauses at a closed door just past the ground floor bathroom and says, "We should get to know each other, Edward. I have a feeling Bella has finally met her match."

She opens the door, and I reluctantly follow her into her office. Other than a long, sheet covered table in the center of the room, it looks like an ordinary home office.

"We'll start with your cards," she says as she removes a small wooden box from a desk drawer. She takes a Zippo and lights a small bundle of dried weeds and waves it around in front me. Sage. This must be the smudging thing Bella told me about. I stand still and let her do what she needs to do to get this over with.

Then, she pulls out a stack of cards wrapped lightly in red silk. Evidently, those need smudging too, because she waves the smoking sage over them as well. She hands them to me as she instructs me to shuffle them and cut them three times.

She frowns when she discovers I am a Gemini. Evidently, Gemini and Virgo are not typically compatible. Star-crossed and short-lived. Good thing I don't believe in stuff like zodiac compatibility.

"Charlie and I aren't 'compatible' according to the charts, either. A strong male Taurus and a fickle Libra? Automatic failure. But we've been happy for thirty years together." She smiles. "Soulmates trump every other cosmic influence."

_Good to know._

She places several cards face up on the desk between us.

"This," she says, pointing, "is your past, The Four of Cups. Wanting a lover, wondering if there is hope for reconciliation. Trying to work things out." She pauses looking at the next card. She taps it lightly. "This is your present, Justice. You are reviewing the quality of your love life and relationship and will realize it's exactly what you want- quality, not quantity." She moves her hand to the next card, continuing with a smile, "The Two of Cups! What a wonderful future! It represents the balance of ideas and plans with a kindred soul."

_And, she has lost me._

"Uh oh," she clucks, tapping on the last card. "This is what is crossing you, Four of Pentacles. There will be obstacles in your path, but if both you and Bella are in accord and want to be together, the obstacles can be overcome."

Charlie. Charlie is the immediate obstacle in my path.

"Okay, Edward. I'm sensing the anxiety rolling off of you. You need some work on your Solar Plexus Chakra. Get up on the table."

"Where should I put my clothes?" _I'll drop the outer layers, but I'm keeping my boxer briefs._

"Keep them on. Reiki isn't like a normal massage. You won't feel a thing."

**BPOV**

"Please tell me you did not try to take off your clothes in front of my mother."

He cringes and mumbles, "I didn't try to take my clothes off in front of your mother."

Dad and I spent the day picking up last minute necessities for a Swan family holiday. Six cases of beer. A bottle of wine. Two bottles of Jose Cuervo. Several bottles of margarita mix. He even remembered to pick up juice boxes for the boys.

Edward was waiting for me at the front door when we got home. He pulled me up the stairs and into my bedroom and gave me the abbreviated version of his afternoon with my mom.

I am glad he asked, instead of stripping while her back was turned.

"Is she going to tell your dad?" he asks.

"No," I assure him. "She wouldn't do that. She likes you, AND she said our auras mesh well together."

"I don't think your dad likes me."

"He doesn't," I admit. "But he never likes anyone I date, and Mom wears the pants in the family."

He still seems bummed, so I decide a distraction is in order. I kiss him while lowering the zipper of his pants. I've almost worked my hand inside when a loud knock sounds on the door.

"Dinner," Charlie yells.

Edward removes my hand from his pants and zips them up quickly.

"Are you trying to get me killed?" he whispers.

"Don't be so dramatic."

"Dramatic?" He runs a hand through his hair. "Bella, I keep expecting your father to whip a pistol out of a hidden, old-man, leg garter and shoot me in the face at any given moment."

I sigh. He probably isn't going to touch me at all this weekend if he is worried about Dad at every turn.

We join my parents in the kitchen for vegetable stir fry. Occasionally, Renee will eat fish and seafood, but she won't cook any other type of meat. Dad is allowed to eat whatever he wants as long as he knows how to cook it. I am the one stuck with turkey duty tomorrow.

Edward and I clean the dishes as my parents argue over which movie to watch. My dad is sick of seeing Ryan Reynolds in a codpiece.

They flip a coin, and Dad grumbles through the entire movie.

I can barely keep my eyes open, so I suggest turning in early. We need to be well rested for tomorrow's festivities. Edward and I are almost at the stairs when Charlie calls out, "Where do you think you're going?"

I turn in time to see Charlie toss a pillow and blanket onto the sofa. I glare at him as I place my hand on my hip. There is a big warm bed in my room with plenty of room for Edward. There is no reason to exile him to the sofa.

Edward clears his throat.

"My bag is in Bella's room. I'll just grab my sweats."

**EPOV**

Thanksgiving morning Charlie wakes me by kicking the couch. He leans over, eyes me, and says, "Get up. We're going hunting."

"Bella bought a turkey. We're good, Chief," I mumble as I roll onto my side and cover my head with the pillow.

He pulls it away and tosses it onto the chair across the room. "Edward, get off my couch. This field trip isn't optional."

I swallow.

I pissed off the chief. I was half asleep and he barked at me.

I force myself off the couch and up the stairs to Bella's room. The light is on, and her bed is perfectly made. A shower seems pointless, so I change into the camouflage cargo pants she convinced me to bring on the off chance this might happen.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, the scent of coffee leads me straight to Bella. She is in the kitchen, chopping fruit and tossing it in a bowl of oatmeal. Charlie is standing next to her, so I make a point of staring at her ponytail instead of the yoga pants currently hugging her ass. He barely gives me time to say hello to Bella and Renee, before pushing me out the back door.

Charlie's idea of hunting is driving to the diner and ordering two bacon, mayonnaise, and tomato sandwiches.

"I love my wife, Edward, but I can't give up bacon," he mumbles while chewing.

I don't blame him, so I nod and wolf down my own sandwich.

"Renee says if you survive this weekend, you're _the one._"

He's trying not to sound bitter, but by being_ the one_, I am automatically the villain of the story. And what does he mean "survive"?

Dealing with the family all weekend?

Or making it out alive?

He doesn't expound and barely speaks to me as we drive to some place called The Lodge. It sounds a little shady, but the only action going on in the parking lot is a Christmas tree sale. Charlie makes his selection and pays before the two of us load it into the bed of the old rusty Chevy we've been riding around in all morning.

Renee won't decorate until tomorrow, so Charlie and I leave the tree on the back porch when we arrive at the Swan house. I have just enough time to give Bella a quick kiss before she insists I shower and change for dinner. Her brother and grandparents will be here soon, and she wants me with her when that Arnold fucker shows up.

Bella's grandparents arrive first. Her grandmother kisses me on the cheek after introductions.

"He is a beautiful boy, Bella," she says with a bright smile.

Charlie chuckles. I try not to cringe.

"Dad," Bella warns.

He smiles, probably because his mother just completely emasculated me in front of Bella.

Then there are three little boys wrapped around his legs. He growls and tickles until they pull him to the ground and pile on top of him. Bella introduces me to her brother as he drops a chubby, smaller boy onto Charlie's gut.

Alice introduces herself and points her children out individually as she tells me their names. She points to her belly and says, "This one is Samantha or Samuel. Sam either way."

There is a knock, and Alice moves to open the door. I straighten my back, puff out my chest, and pull Bella tightly against my side.  
>Game on.<p>

A short guy with pale skin and stringy black hair walks into the room. His black button-up shirt has some kind of glitter in the material and tucked in at the collar there is a purple…

"Is he wearing an ascot?" I ask quietly.

Bella giggles, and we escape to the kitchen after she introduces me as her man and I crush Aro's cold, bony hand in greeting.

**BPOV**

Edward is right beside me, carrying dishes to the table, and impressing the hell out of Gran. All the other men are watching TV while waiting for an imaginary dinner bell to ring. I don't know if Edward is taking the human shield thing seriously or just avoiding Dad, but he is content sipping Vitamin R and toting roasted asparagus from the kitchen to the dining room.

Mom and Arnold are the only ones partaking of the Tofurkey, so she leaves it in the kitchen and the two of them cut portions before joining the rest of us. Charlie is at one end of the dining room table, and Grandpa is at the other. Jasper, Mom and Gran are seated across from us. Edward sits between Arnold and me. Alice takes a spot at the kiddie table so she can referee while eating.

Gran says a long, traditional Thanksgiving prayer. Renee follows up by thanking her gods and goddesses and Mother Earth. Jasper is hungry and exasperated.

"Good bread, good meat, thank God, let's eat," he mutters.

A moment later, Alice sways a little in her seat. Her eyes are unfocused, and she's mumbling incoherently.

_Of course. She just has to have one of her "moments" in front of Edward._

A few moments later, she smiles at me and says, "By the end of tonight, six people will see your tattoo."

Alice may not be able to "see" things like, oh, I don't know, her own fertile days or the genders of any of her children, but she has always been spot on with forecasting my doom. Until now. I am not considering a job as a stripper, especially in this rinky-dink town, so there is no possible way six people will see my tattoo tonight.

Edward frowns, probably at the idea of anyone but him seeing my naked hip. I squeeze his thigh in reassurance. Something brushes against the back of my hand. I look down and see Arnold's hand resting on Edward's other leg.

Mine.

I keep my eye on it as my own right hand inches across the table. The closest weapon I can find is the carving knife, and it gleams in the air as I hold it above Arnold's wrist.

"Get your hand off my boyfriend."

**EPOV**

_Bella is waving a knife over my dick._  
><em>Holy Fuck.<em>  
><em>Bella is waving a knife over my dick.<em>

**BPOV**

"Bella, please," Edward begs. "Put the knife down, baby."

Like I would ever, in a billion years, cut his dick off. Guys are such babies when it comes to their precious penises. Still, I don't like seeing him petrified, so I toss it back onto the turkey platter. He breathes a huge sigh of relief before grabbing Arnold's fingers and bending them backwards until the little pervert falls out of his chair begging for mercy.

"Way to go, Bella," Jasper says, pointing to the boys.

All of my nephews have placed their hands over their crotches at the kiddie table.

Ah, shit.

People really shouldn't allow me anywhere near their children. I could win an award for being the worst aunt in the world.

Mom switches seats with Arnold, and it seems he has the decency not to feel up elderly women, because the rest of dinner is quiet and normal. Well, as normal as our family can manage, anyway.

Mom and Jasper do the dishes since I cooked the meal. I sit in the kitchen with them, watching as Gran measures ingredients into a fancy new blender. Edward pops in to grab more beer for the game.

"Charlie," Gran yells, glancing at the stack of cold ones in the crook of Edward's arm. "Don't let your father have any more beer! The last time he drank more than three and took his medication, his blood pressure dropped."

"Is Grandpa sick?" I ask, trying not to panic.

"Oh no, honey," she says. "Grandpa's doc said not to mix alcohol and Viagra at his age."

"Oh, my fucking-" The sound of the high-powered blender drowns out my response.

Edward tries not to laugh as he hands me the beer he intended for Grandpa. I kill it and pray Gran gets the Cuervo flowing soon.

Alice looks more and more uncomfortable as the day progresses. She makes four trips to the bathroom during the football game. When she comes back the last time, she leans over and whispers something into Jasper's ear.

He jumps up from his place on the couch. "Now?"

She nods. Alice is in labor. And we're all drunk. Well, Grandpa isn't, but he might be hyped up on Viagra.

My parents and grandparents start bustling around eagerly. Somehow, they form a coherent plan. Alice's bag has been packed and in the minivan for two weeks. Grandpa will drive since he is the only person sober enough to do it. They will all go with Alice to the hospital for the birth. Edward and I will watch the kids.

_Wait, what?_

"Jasper, I have no idea what to do with ONE kid, and you want to leave me with a litter?"

"Come on, Bella," he pleads. "I've called Alice's sister, Angela. She is on her way to pick them up. It will be twenty minutes. Tops."

Edward assures Jasper we can handle it. Alice kisses each of the boys on the cheek and tells them all how much she loves them. She may be a nitwit, but she is a good mom to my nephews, and my brother never looks unhappy.

"Good luck," I tell her as I hug her goodbye.

They all pile into Jasper's minivan and disappear into the night.

Twenty minutes ends up being more like forty minutes and one more margarita. Angela is apologetic, but she had just helped her own kids into the bath when Jasper called.

**EPOV**

Bella leans against the door after saying goodbye to her nephews and Angela.

"Are you ready to run away screaming yet?" she teases.

I shake my head. What I am ready for involves screaming of a wholly different nature. Bella pushes away from the door and walks slowly across the room until she is standing right in front of me.

"Not a chance." I grin as I slide my fingers inside her jeans and pull her body against mine. She smiles and giggles until I unbutton them. She runs her teeth across her bottom lip, drawing it lightly into her mouth. And I lose my shit.

Well, not literally, but I rip her clothes off like some kind of caveman before dropping trou. She laughs as her hand disappears behind her back. My tongue licks my lips without forethought or permission. My eyes are locked on her chest because I know in about five seconds I'm going to see her tits again.

5….

4….

3….

She shrugs, lifts her hands, and pulls on the thick satin straps…

2….

1….

_Ahhhh._

She pushes me back as she advances. My knees hit the sofa, and I sink onto it, pants still around my ankles. I trace my finger up her thigh and hook it inside the satin boyshorts, letting my knuckle graze her clit.

She pushes them down her hips before I can straighten my finger.

"Skip it," she says tersely, as she straddles me. "_One_…I'm drunk. _B_…I'm horny. _Three_…we're finally alone. Now, give me my happy ending," she moans as she dips and swivels before lowering herself. I watch as my dick slowly disappears inside her. My hands settle on her waist, holding her in place just long enough to prevent an early detonation.

_If I watch myself fuck her, I am going to blow my load._

_If I play with her tits, I am going to blow my load._

_If I kiss her, I am going to blow my load._

_Fuck._

Drunk, brazen Bella is a voodoo sex goddess, so I do the only thing I can do. I lean back against the cushions, let her fuck me, and pray that I have time to get her off too. Keeping one hand on her waist, I thrust as she rocks against me. The thumb of my other hand is hard at work, rubbing and teasing and doing everything in my power to make her cookie crumble.

She grips both of my shoulders tightly as she drops her forehead against mine.

"Yes, yes, yes," she chants, going limp in my arms.

Fucking Amen.

She's there. I keep a grueling pace as she throws her head back, clenching and moaning, with her legs and arms wrapped loosely around me. Once I am satisfied that I have fucked her senseless, I wrap my arms around her shoulders and bite down on the swell of her breast as I finally surrender to the best damn orgasm of my life.

She rests her head on my shoulder and I close my eyes as I hold her against me, reveling in the feel of her damp skin and the scent of sex all around us.

**BPOV**

Someone is giggling. Alice is giggling, and Edward is shaking me. "Bella, wake up. Please wake up."

I open my eyes to find my parents, Jasper, Alice and my grandparents standing a few feet away, just inside the front door.

"False alarm," Alice giggles.

"Bella, dear, is that a Mr. Yuk tattoo?" Gran steps forward to get a closer look. AT MY COOKIE.

_Oh my GOD._

Edward is trying desperately to cover us up.

"Renee." Charlie hasn't moved an inch. His hands are on his hips, thumbs twitching back and forth.

"Yes, dear," she answers.

"Hide the key to the gun safe," he growls.

"I took care of that yesterday after I read Edward's cards." She winks at me as she pulls my father from the room.

_Damn. Never bet against Alice._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you so much to the very sweet lady who agreed to beta this monster. I really appreciate your hard work!**

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><strong>


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